Read Luke 15
Post Warning: This post may be really difficult to read depending on how fresh your wound is. I ask that you pray and ask God to bring wisdom to your heart. Remember that you cannot and should not force yourself to do anything, but rather, allow God to do works in you through constant prayer and laying your burdens at Christ’s feet.
Are you the elder brother in the prodigal son parable? I was, initially. After all, my husband not only didn’t deserve forgiveness, but he wasn’t asking for it, nor repenting. You have to truly search yourself and ask God to reveal any part in you that is not matching up.
1/2019 Forgiveness in an intimate disloyalty cannot be fickle, unreal, hasty, or forced (1 John 3:20 – If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything). God must grant you the wisdom and mercy to see the situation how He sees it, how He’s written it. It is a process, not an instant reversal of what’s happened. Not to say that God cannot work in you to forgive- from the heart- in an instant…nothing is beyond Him. However, in my experience, it was a process of stepping stones to work through my feelings, memories, thoughts and gut. (Colossians 4:2 – Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.) Every day, every week, it feels like God created a new mindset through me seeking His wisdom (James 1:5 – If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ), grace, and Word, as He promises us He will do when we seek Him. His peace has been so merciful (Isaiah 26:3- You will keep in perfect peace, those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. ).
I am confident that I never felt hatred towards him. I kept feeling “I’m suppose to hate him”, “our family is broken now”, “it’s unnatural to still feel love for him right now”, but I believe that the Spirit had mercy and protected my heart from feeling hate. If that is not you, pray, right now, for Jesus to take hold of the hatred, and repent to Him. Are you ready?… I don’t care what friend or relative validated your feelings. Jesus tells us that if we only love who loves us, that doesn’t separate us from unbelievers. (Matthew 5:43-48). 1 John 2:9 says if anyone claims to hate, they are still in the darkness.
Have I felt anger, bitterness, resentment…yes. I wish I could say that I repented and was strong enough, each time, to not linger in those chains. Sometimes I was strong and captured the thoughts. Sometimes I sat crying and used them as some sort of warm, comfort blanket. My mind would begin to self-protect and survive by keeping warm with the blanket of denial, anger, bitterness, resentment. This metaphoric blanket would be woven with each thought, memory, and emotion I pondered on. The more skewed thoughts I accepted as truths, the heavier and warmer my blanket became. This is one reason why God wants us to seek Him all the time, to never stop praying, always be thankful. The moments we stop doing those things, is the moment we start making our own electric-warming blankets of self-coping.
Now, did I get off track thinking it was all about me and my damage? Yes. This awful thing did happen to you. However, it’s about you and God, your Rescuer, who will create beauty from these ashes. When you start getting upright and victimizing yourself, you are pressing pause on God working in you. Continuing down that path will lead to pride.
Did I even – dare I say – apologize for yelling at my husband after he crossed a boundary? Apologize for being short? Go out of my way to provide clarity so that he knows I wasn’t meaning harm? Apologize for text messages sent in the wrong state of mind? Have I been praying, so hard, for him? Yes. Does he deserve it? No, none of us deserve anything. Entitlement is a whole new topic though.
2 Timothy 1:7- For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power,love and self-discipline.
Romans 12:2- Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Proverbs 12:20- Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but those who promote peace have joy.
You see, it’s not about my husband. It’s not about my responsibility to “hold him accountable” for what he’s doing. (Romans 14:12-So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. )
It’s my responsibility to uphold my vow to honor God and love MY GOD, with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. Deuteronomy 6:5
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
If I were to “lean on my own understanding”, I’m doomed before I start. When we “trust in the Lord with all our hearts, and lean not on our own understanding; in ALL our ways, submit to Him…He WILL make our paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6) Picture yourself tired and exhausted (real hard, right?) and taking a minute to lean up again a wall. That instant relief that the wall is strong enough, stable enough, to hold you. LEAN on what God says – you can never go wrong.
To find forgiveness, you must first seek God (Matthew 6:33 – But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well). If you are skipping this step, you can guarantee you’ll find yourself here after you’ve failed in your own efforts. Is there a time limit on when you find forgiveness for your adulterer? Questionable – in my experience, the faster you can find forgiveness, the faster YOU will be set free to move on and receive peace from God. “Find” forgiveness is putting it lightly. It’s not quite like “oh, I found my keys”. Forgiveness is a choice, a difficult one, you have to make over and over: With each trigger that you experience through your day, with each past memory you think about and with each forward step you take with the Lord.
The issue with discovering forgiveness is that it takes effort, research, seeking, praying, humbleness, asking for change – not for the adulterer – but for yourself (Psalm 139:23-24- Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. ). Pride is one of the biggest traits that keep us from forgiveness. The elder brother in the prodigal son parable is prime #1 example, thank you Jesus for putting it in lamers terms! You have to truly search yourself and ask God to reveal any part in you that is not matching up. Ask God to make your heart like the father in the parable. Eyes to see your husband as Jesus sees him. Look further down the road, if your husband whole heartedly repented and surrendered his life to Jesus, would you be overjoyed or would you secretly hide contempt, bitterness and resentment? Jesus wants us to get to a place of freedom to where if good things happen to your husband, you are okay. That your heart be in a place where you want your husband’s repentance and salvation to Jesus, not death, destruction, or for God to smite him.
Does my husband deserve my forgiveness any more than I deserve God’s forgiveness? No. We’ve all fallen short. We all deserve Hell. We all deserve death.
“I’ve forgiven him the first time, he did it again.” Matthew 6:34
“He’s treated me like I’m the one who’s cheated! Like I’m the one to blame.” 1 Samuel 17:45
“He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.” Romans 8 32-35
“My forgiveness, vulnerability, and honesty will not change his behavior. He will do it again.” Matthew 6; Isaiah 26:10
“He won’t care that I’m putting forth all this effort to forgive him. Maybe he’ll even say ‘I don’t need your forgiveness!’” 2 Cor 10:5
“I will look pathetic, weak, and desperate.” 2 Cor 12:10, Proverbs 31:25-26
These are all whispers that keep us back, hold us back, from what God is trying to free us with. If the enemy can manage to keep us in the same rut, the insidious rerun of memories, gut punches of what-ifs, then he can keep us from seeing the glory that God wants to use us for. The free will of choices given to us. Don’t rob your own self from seeing what God can do in your life, in your testimony, in your future, and in your relationship with Him. Your Savior, Forgiver, Protector, Defender, your All in All. (Philippians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. )
Psalm 103:6
The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
Don’t stop serving God, praying, loving Him just because things have gotten hard.
Luke 8:13-15
Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.
Hardship has come your way. Ask God to give you a thankful heart, because you’ve tasted the honey and felt the sting. Paul “urges” us, in view of God’s mercy, to keep in mind that we are living sacrifices. When we said “yes” to Jesus, we surrendered it all, picked up our cross and started walking behind Him (Romans 12:1-2). Consider it “joy” that you are facing trials as Jesus did.
When all of this is a grateful memory of God’s glory, you can whole heartedly embrace Isaiah 61:3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor. .
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.
Below are some jotted verses that have spoken to me during this initial period of healing. God willing, I’ll make a separate resource page of verses that upheld me when adultery first showed up.
1 John 3:3
Psalm 4:4
Titus 2:12-14
1 Peter 5:8-9
James 4:7
Psalm 46
Fruit of the spirit
“But if not” Daniel 3
James 1:12 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial…”
Hebrews 12:14-15 (as much as we’d like to assume this passage excludes adulterers)
Psalm 55:22 God can give you confidence [in Him], He can set your foot on solid ground. Do not be shaken! Ask Him!
Deuteronomy 31:6 This helped me when God showed me that I was actually afraid to be around my spouse and his family because I was being blamed and I could not defend myself. I’d blank. I’d shut down and fall apart all over again. God began speaking to my heart that I did not need to defend myself. Stop the urge to explain. God is behind me and before me. He will not let me fall if I stay faithful to Him. (Exodus 14:14)
Isaiah 41:10
Mark 11:23
Luke 15
For Jesus-Loving Women, Mothers, Wives 