The grenade has exploded, the pieces have fallen where they may, covered in shame, not mine. My husband has been cheating on me, for years, with multiple women. It’s funny how you’re painted a victim in a circumstance you didn’t sign up for. You become the shamed one, the victim, the “I feel so bad for her” when all you want to do is crawl in a hole with your kids and fill the top. Each new person that finds out is a punch in the gut, another layer of embarrassment, shame, guilt, none of which are yours to bear.
Now, if you’re fortunate enough, you might not be painted the victim. You might just be painted the bully, the domineering wife, the nagged him “to do it”. It’s my fault. I’m to blame. Hurtful words, that only pour alcohol in exposed wounds…words that cannot be unseen, uncomprehended. You’ve not only lost your husband, but you’ve lost those who you’ve called family. At some point, they’ve chosen sides.
All you can think of is an overwhelming flood of memories. Finally, answers to the answers that didn’t ever add up. You’re a fool. You should’ve investigated further. “So he wasn’t hungry for dinner all those nights because he had taken his girlfriend out to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings…” “So he wasn’t camping alone…” “He wasn’t camping to get in solitude, he was camping to be with his girlfriend” “He wasn’t irritated at me, he was fighting with his girlfriend, and I was the one in front of him…” Thoughts that literally are racing in your mind like a nightmare. You’ve been gut punched over and over and over and over. Your “other half” of over a decade is suddenly gone and okay with divorce. Remorse for the kids, but empty for you. Rejection. Gut punch. “I was not this bad of a wife, partner?” You fanticize if you leave a hoodie in his bag, if he’ll smell it and love you again. It’s okay. Breath. It’s okay. Your other half, the one you planned to delight in your kids together, grow old together, bicker together, he’s gone…he’s a stranger. You tried to reconcile, even give a second chance, but more lies. There’s nothing more you can do. He said no. Feelings of rejection, dismissal, desperation. “I’m pathetic for trying again, only to be rejected, again.”
You are trying to hold it together for everyone. Processing the tragedy of what’s just happened to your little, precious family. What do I do next? “This is so severe, I must have caused him to do this.”
.Lies.
You didn’t cause this.
You didn’t push him to do this.
This is not your fault.
You are not alone even though the other half of the bed is cold, you are.not.alone. You are not worthless. You were not rejected by him because you’re not good enough for him. You didn’t lack the “perfect words” to bring him out of darkness. You weren’t disappointing at sex. You weren’t bad at kissing. You weren’t too fat. You weren’t too whiney or too talkative or too annoying to him. You aren’t too ugly, unattractive. You aren’t a bad housekeeper just because of his deceitful tongue.
You are treasured.
You are special.
You are one of a kind.
You are God-made. His handiwork.
Your “beauty is inscribed in the palm of His hands.”
You are called.
You have been chosen.
THIS situation wrapped and painted in sin on top of sin DOES NOT CHANGE ANYTHING OF WHO GOD SAID AND SAYS YOU ARE.
You are not responsible for his choices.
You are not responsible for bringing any more truth to the light. No matter who is still being lied to.
You are not responsible for defending yourself, to anyone. Stand up for yourself, yes, but our God, our Redeemer, our Savior, HE WILL GO BEFORE YOU HE WILL FIGHT YOUR FIGHTS. HE WILL SHIELD YOU. ALL you have to do is stand behind Him.
You are not responsible for “fixing this”. GOD IS. My sister, please do not take on any more burden than you already feel. God desires to take this from you, to be a lamp to your feet, to beat the odds…not to you, but for you.
He has and he will continue to sustain you IF you seek FIRST his kingdom and his righteousness. Does He say to handle it? Does He tell you to figure things out, money, job, daycare, homes, possessions? No.
My friend, if you begin to handle things on your own, you will be missing out on the biggest, most life changing miracle God can give you in all of this. Don’t miss what He wants from you, right now.
The DAY you vowed to honor and keep your husband, when the bliss was overwhelming and shame was no where on the horizon…God knew what was to happen. Before you hit this Earth, God knew your life and how it was going to unfold. If you are being told lies that there was “never love”, capture those lies and throw them down. Don’t let his bondage and his need to feel better about himself affect what you know as truth.
I “COMPELL” YOU (as Paul would say) – YOU MAY NOT EVER HAVE ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY to grow this closely to God for the rest of your life. SEEK God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength – not later – but right this moment. Don’t have a church? Find one. Find someone. Don’t want to go to church with hypocrites? I once heard someone say “I’d rather sit with a couple of hypocrites on Sunday morning than with ALL of them for eternity” Don’t have the energy? Ask God – out loud for energy right now – He physically parted the Red Sea to save his people that were running after Him. What makes you think He won’t provide energy, passion to his beloved again?! Don’t have the desire? Ask God – RIGHT NOW. Write it out – say it out. Don’t wait any longer to begin your new love life with our Savior, Jesus Christ. I cannot tell you how many times I was empty, energy-less, tired, no desire to worship my King…and all I did was surrender my thoughts to him, took the time to TELL him about it…and He resurrected me in newness again and again. You see, often we “think our thoughts” and Satan convinces us that we’re praying to God. That’s a LIE. Praying involves intentionality. Conversation. Humility. Vulnerability. Jesus deserves nothing less than our true selves and our precious time. Yes, He already knows our thoughts, our future actions, our past actions, our good deeds, our bad deeds, our secrets, our pride…but he desires that relationship…that back and forth. That closeness that, this one life on this side of Heaven, we can miss out on. Don’t believe the deceiver’s lies about “do it later”, “what’s the point”, “what good will it do”, “it’s too much”, “I can’t even begin to know where to start”… just start. Shoot down those thoughts that lead you further from Jesus.
Shoot. Them. Down.
Stop giving Satan a high five every time he whispers negativity, death, hate into your mind. Start putting on the armor of God intentionally every day. You know what I did today – as silly as it may sound- I typed out 5, five, FIVE pages of verses that have encouraged me since 3 weeks ago when the grenade exploded. I printed those out and plan to read them out loud.
Reading Psalms out loud when you’re weary is like God just gave you a spiritual oxygen mask. Active and, you guessed it, sharper than any two-edged sword.
Start a prayer journal – don’t forget to put your praises, your thankfulness in there too. Trust me, you don’t want to look back on this time and forget all the blessings God had given you through it all. Sometimes I’m out and about and get blessed, a song, a person, the Spirit talking to me, and I just have to jot it down to record later.
Speaking of thankfulness – did you know that being thankful to God for all your many blessings – yep – you still have a bunch – even now – can be used to heal you? Getting your eyes off your own woes, no matter how legit Satan wants to keep hammering them to you, and focusing on your blessings, counting them, thanking God for your blessings in the middle of a mental breakdown…that’s where the power of God is. That’s what sets us apart from this world. Our ability to say, “I would’ve lost heart, if I didn’t know my treasure was in the land of the living”.
Serving…did you know that you’re not the first to go through something like this? The deceiver would like you to think that this situation is super special and you’re the only one that’s ever suffered. Don’t forget about Christ, he suffered, and Paul told us not to be alarmed when we face “fiery” trials! Did you know that serving a fellow man, fellow sister or brother in Christ can be used by God to heal you? Let Christ fill your cup to overflowing as he’s promised he can do, and just watch the Holy Spirit use YOU – even now – not “when you’re better and healed and can mumble a sentence without crying” – but NOW – He can fill up your cup, not to the brim, not just enough so it doesn’t spill when you trip, but overflowing…with Reddi whip toppling over and dripping down your hands…overflowing to be able to USE THIS ALLLLLLL FOR HIS GLORY, HIS PURPOSE, YOUR PURPOSE. Don’t let this opportunity be wasted. Satan wants nothing more than for this to be a scar on your life that you always hurt from and always hate when it gets ripped open. Allow God to turn this into a joyful experience that he walks through with you. Count this horrible event in your life as treasure – as favored by God to draw you closer to Him to work in you.
As you can now probably see, the title of this post, “When Opportunity Knocked”, is appropriate. I was presented with this nightmarish opportunity, and maybe you were too. What kind of choices will you make with this opportunity? Choice opportunities will keep knocking at your door. If you make mistakes, try again. His mercies are new every morning. He loves you enough to bring you through this better on the other side.
For Jesus-Loving Women, Mothers, Wives 