This is a continued post from Part 1. Read Part 1 before continuing 🙂
Don’t fantasize the past or the future
Another point she makes is to “take off the happy glasses“. I was initially nostalgic and trying to blame myself for things in our marriage and make my husband’s actions next-to blameless in my heart. I found it comforting to take responsibility for his share of mistakes and sometimes for his unfaithfulness, even. I remember envisioning how our marriage could be stronger now that this hidden sin was out in the open. We could conquer this. However, a few days later I discovered, not only did he not want to conquer with me, he didn’t want to try. These thoughts are so painful to think and remember. I repeatedly force myself to interrupt these stabbing memories aloud by saying “it’s okay that it’s not okay“. Don’t fantasize.
Finding things to do, for yourself.
My identity was being the best mother I could be, educating them and being the best Home Maker I could be to my husband and his life. I enjoyed making everyone happy. Was I perfect, am I perfect? No!! My joy and extracurriculars were volunteering at church. I love it. So when all of “my plans” that required a loving, two person relationship ripped out from under me, lost doesn’t begin to describe it. I had God and my future in Him and that was the only found thing. So I rested(ing) in Him. Begin to do things for yourself. If you have kids, start making memories with them that you want. Resist the urges to stay under blankets all day and fall apart and hide. Go for walks. Start to see what you’re made of, outside your relationship with your spouse. Remember to give those dreams you had as a family to God. You don’t know the future, God does. He will do with your dreams as He wills. You can trust your crushed dreams in His hands because His will is always Good.
Realize past hurts & patterns and make sure you don’t allow them to continue anymore
Kate lists traits of emotional manipulation. I can relate to a few of them. In efforts to keep transparency, I’ll share. At this point, if you’ve read all my other intimate blog posts, I consider you a best friend anyway. 🙂
In the last few years, I became the one who apologized and took responsibility, even when it wasn’t my fault. I did it to keep the peace in the house. I sometimes did it to control the rejection: If I apologized first, then I wouldn’t have to face going to bed without feeling fought for. Before that, we both seemed to take turns doing it. Saying this makes it sound like a terrible place to be. To clarify, if I put a ratio on it, it’d be 20/80. So 80% of my marriage was fine and normal. The 20% would be tensions of suspicion and normal stresses of life.
Kate points out that, like gas lighting, when you are confronting his behavior, lies and “things that don’t make sense”, he will turn the tables on you. On every instance where I suspected cheating, or at the least, a lie, I was either yelled at for doubting him or made out to be a crazy, paranoid wife. So, I dropped it because there was no proof. “Maybe I am crazy? Why do I keep bringing these things up?” When a lie is close to being exposed, it is normal -not okay but normal- for the one lying to panic through gas lighting.
I also trusted and believed my husband when he said things were my fault or I wasn’t looking at something correctly. I’m not perfect and “perception is in the eye of the beholder”, so I usually yielded out of respect. Like I said, our marriage was under stress “from life”, but we respected each other and had good times. So yielding to your loved one, when he is “honestly” coming at you with his logical point of view, is normal. No one should feel stupid or guilty for this in hindsight. You made the best choices you could with the information you had at the time.
I also encountered belittling of my own issues, problems and stresses. His stresses were always worse and more severe. So I allowed him to make me feel guilty for having a bad day and wanting to talk about it.
At times when I said that I’d had enough and told him that I felt like he didn’t love me anymore, or that he was hiding things/ lying, he’d respond, “do you really think I have enough time to keep up a double life?!!” Turns out, he was, but at the time, what wife wouldn’t believe her husband who’s promising that you’re crazy for even thinking it. He use to come back to me, apologize and explain his hard stresses. I’d suck my insecurities up and comfort him. This past year, he stopped coming back to me. He stopped caring that he hurt me. He stopped caring that he was lying to me.
All these things may sound like a victim in the situation, but in a marriage, you do what you have to do to make the relationship work. In hindsight these things are crystal clear. In the middle of it all, not knowing anything, I was trying to be as selfless as I could and support my husband with his plate, mental health and stress. These were choices that I made and, with the exception of making excuses for him on his absences to our families’ visits, I’m glad I made them or my home would not have been at peace as often as it was nor would God have blessed my obedience to His word through changing me. No I wasn’t obedient every time. Some nights I went to bed crying, mad or refusing to resolve. Some nights I broke down in front of him because I “could swear” he was lying to me! I remember one occassion where he was playing his video game with friends after I just poured out my guts. I went to bed crying. Then I came backand dumped all his laundry I’d folded on the floor saying “do you care, at all about me or anything I do for you?!” His response was shaking his head, no words. At the time, his reaction was appropriate because I was acting crazy. I felt awful, and apologized to him, breaking down about my behavior. But now, in hindsight, he was cheating, lying and manipulating me…how could he see me struggling so hard and just shake his head as if I was crazy? How could he allow me to apologize for not believing him…when I was right. So I began to yield out of faith to God, then faithfulness to my husband. If I never yielded, and never dropped it after saying “Husband, I am choosing to believe you” then I’d be carrying it around with me all the time. I know this because, initially, I did carry it around. You can’t make someone care in a relationship. The more I tried to lessen the space between us, the more it pushed him away, and the more I felt rejected. I tried to speak my peace, give it to God, keep giving it to God and moved on trusting God.
It’s been really hard to share these personal details, but I say all of this to say this: an unfaithful, emotionally-manipulative relationship doesn’t have to be the end- all for your marriage. If he’s willing to confess all truth and get help, and both get help, there’s hope. God can work miracles in relationships. God can work miracles, even years down the road. Sometimes, we are given no opportunity for rebuilding. Your life doesn’t pause for him. For now, God has not called us to wait for our husband to take us back. God has called us to wait on Him alone. Seek His righteousness, love, acceptance, wisdom, and knowledge.
If the job takes two, one person will not do. You have to play the cards that you are given, even if you want to fold and get dealt another hand. Give it to God. Don’t keep looking back. Trust that your Father will provide for you, even in letting go of your husband, if He wills.
Please pray with me sister: Dear Jesus, hear our broken hearts crying out to You. Allow us to feel Your love, Your hands, Your heart all throughout our days. Remind us that You, Jesus, will never reject our love for You. Remind us that we are never alone even if his side of the bed is empty. Jesus, You care for us deeply. Give us Your strength to seek help with other women. Help us to seek your Kingdom and Righteousness in these days of aching. Guide our choices and our minds in the path of letting go of the past. Take us where You want us to go. Allow our life to be a living glory for You and what You’ve done in us. Change our hearts Lord. We love You and ask in Your Name alone. Amen.
2/3/19 Update: I read over this post and I see how far God has brought me even now. He is faithful in healing a broken heart and staying close. It has gotten easier. Triggers are still active. However, life feels lighter and I’m focused on where God is taking me and His plan for my kids. It’s hard work and I have to, almost constantly, give my thoughts over to Jesus.
In love and hope for you,
Chelsea
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