I’m Sorry I Let You Down

I try to remain a positive person. Positive thoughts; dwell on those Philippians words. However, I’m human. Sometimes, embracing humanity feels right, though wrong. Feel the feelings and let them go. Sometimes, I lower my shield to see the other side. Don’t listen to it. Hear it. For a moment. “I wish I could say that I’m proud, I’m sorry that I let you down”. I pulled the trigger on the divorce. I said I wasn’t going to live with unfaithfulness. I wasn’t going to continue to be cheated on, discarded as if I was not enough. I believed I was not enough. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, it won’t happen again. I’m sorry I could no longer be there for you, to be used as a facade to make you feel better about yourself. To be your safety net when no one else wanted you. I’m sorry I gave you the time of day whenever you had time for me. For you to take advantage of my blind love for you. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I said no more. I’m sorry I didn’t let you drag my soul on any further with your “I don’t know if I love you anymore” talk. I’m sorry I put up with your lies. I’m sorry I forgave you so much it enabled you. I’m sorry I gave you the benefit of the doubt until I was emotionally bankrupt over and over. I’m sorry I gave you that much control over me. I’m sorry I didn’t stand my ground. I’m sorry I believed your lies for so long that they became truths to you. I’m sorry I took care of the boys in your absence. I’m sorry I took on too much and left you with nothing to do but seek attention from other women, girls. I’m sorry I lost my confidence in myself and who I was trying to please you. Trying to make you happy. Trying to make your life easy. Turns out, I made it too easy for you. I’m sorry I stole your burdens. I’m sorry I gave you space. I’m sorry I lost my identity trying to save you.

But today, I stand tall with my identity firm, not shaken, no doubts, no fears, no worries. I stand tall today because, from ashes, God has built a stronger me. He’s given me my identity back. The girl I used to know. He’s given me a hope, and a future.The foundation we had built together, He’s given me a new one. Not that I deserved any of it. I didn’t. God knows I don’t. I don’t. He’s given me freedom. Through forgiving you, over and over and over, He’s given me freedom to walk in the forgiveness to you. It is for freedom that I am free.

3.14.20